theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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