3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
