You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
