They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
