Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
