Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
