Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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