he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
