I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
