i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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