just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
