Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
