i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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