you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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