why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
