I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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