i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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