In America we eat man semen.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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