there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
