my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Randomize