Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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