It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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