I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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