My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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