I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
