remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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