dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it hurts more in the daytime
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
