your parents love me but you hate me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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