Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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