a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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