He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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