The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
