wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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