I met the friendliest cop last night
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
