Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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