well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
