the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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