i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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