hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
