Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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