How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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