I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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