Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
