I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize