I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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