you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
