2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
