I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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