I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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