Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
