she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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