dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
