Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
