So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
