I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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