I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
