hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
