everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
