Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
