someone threw a dead crab at me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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