The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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